Saying Goodbye To Little Miss Control Freak

One of the hardest things about parenthood for me --besides surviving on three hours of sleep-- has been letting go of my control issues. I have been a control freak for a long time but only recently admitedly so, I think because it took me a while to realize that I was one. As much as I would like to be a spontaneous person, I take comfort in and thrive on routine and feel uneasy when that routine is interrupted. Looking back now I realize I was always a control freak, even in school when we were assigned to work in groups on a project I was always the one to take charge and do all the work, not because I was a born leader--far from that-- but because I knew the only way I could control the outcome was simply by doing it all myself.

A baby will throw anyone's life into turmoil but I think it is especially hard for a control freak like myself. Of course I had this idea in my head my whole life of what motherhood and even pregnancy would be like, that I would have a perfect, content baby who would nap or play quietly while I worked on a scrapbook or (gasp!) made dinner for once in my life. I was even collecting recipes I wanted to try and when my husband inquired about it, I replied, "Oh, I'm going to make it when I'm home with the baby, I'll have more time then."

Boy was I wrong.

Having Sofie has been the most amazing and wonderful thing that has ever happened to me and I love her more than words can describe, but raising her is a full-time job plus over-time. Not all babies are the same, some babies sleep through the night at three months and never look back, some like my beautiful bundle of joy still wake up several times a night even at 15 months old. So there is little time or energy available for things like scrapbooks and dinners that require more than three ingredients.

My sense of control --or lack there of rather-- was quite evident to me again over the holidays. Christmas always feels like a magical time but even more so when you have kids and can once again take in the experience through a child's eyes. At 15 months though, Sofie is still too young to grasp what's going on and I'm too busy, chasing her around making sure she doesn't get into mischief, to revel in the glow of a Christmas tree or even have a real conversation with friends and family around the dinner table. I guess the truth is I'm so busy living in the moment that's it sometimes hard to stop and take in the moment. But don't get me wrong I'm not exactly complaining, sure it'll be nice when Sofie is a little older and more independent but for someone who has lived for most of their life under the burden of my own thoughts and tendency towards over-analyzation it is quite refreshing to simply not have time to think so much.

I do look forward to the days when Christmas is a bigger to-do in our house, when I can take a moment to simply sit on the couch and stare at the lights and get all nostalgic and misty-eyed but for now I'm pretty happy to let go of it all and just be a mom.